Well, winter has finally arrived here in Squeal like a pig village, and I am not cozy in my pants. Can people, I mean live people mold? I wonder sometimes, living here in perpetual humidity, it is never dry. The towels you use for your shower, the only time they are dry is when you take them fresh from the dryer. I had really long hair when I moved here, but it never dried, I lived in fear of my hair getting moldy, so I cut it all off!
The realtor who sold us the bill of goods on this eternal pit of damnation informed us (wrongfully I might add) that the weather here is moderate. Well, after living here for a ‘full range of the seasons’, I can honestly say "Moderate! Compared to what? In the summer it is like the Amazon jungle and in winter I believe it is like the South Pole, without the beauty of snow!!!!"
Don’t forget the humidity, I swear I am growing gills from breathing this water they call air! We have 2 seasons here in the Seventh Circle - unbelievably hot and humid, and incredibly cold and humid. The ground actually ices over, but it won’t snow. One of the dumbest things I have heard since I relocated to this abysmal place was, "it gets too cold to snow", now tell me on what frickin’ planet does that make sense? So, in essence they are telling me this place is colder than the South Pole? It snows there and it gets pretty damn cold! Oh and the ice, I know I mentioned that, which is a particular treat for someone of my inelegance. I have to wear golf shoes just to get the mail so I don’t fall and break a hip!!
AHH! But it does have one very BIG advantage - NO BUGS AND SPIDERS!! I swear they have species of insects here that have yet to be discovered by the entomological community.
The only thing I have to worry about is being attacked by a rabid fox, possum, racoon, or one of the many abandoned dogs that wore out their usefulness when hunting season ended.
Which I did not realize there was an end to hunting season because I hear gunfire here all day and into the night most days. They have real strict gun laws here, you can tell by all the bullet holes in our house and barn. The law states you cannot fire your weapon 50 FEET from a major highway or 100 YARDS from a school and that’s about it folks!
Now I own a gun and I support owning guns, yet I detest hunting. Until moving here I never thought fluorescent orange was my color, now I wear it every time I have to do yard work, or go get the mail (with my golfing spikes).
I have discovered a new way to deter hunting around my property, which they will come right up to your doorstep if you let them, I don’t know what they could possibly be hunting with such large rifles, it’s not like squirrel is ‘big game’ that you need a 30 ought to take them down.
I digress, my genius plan for deterring hunters away from my home - Sometimes they shoot so close the windows rattle and you can hear them talking, so I had this brainstorm one day while I was out gardening, without benefit of Kevlar I might add. They were getting too close for comfort, so after one of the shots I screamed "OH GOD! OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN SHOT!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!! OH GOD! HELP ME!!" Since I was not in plain view they could not see me shouting, next thing you hear is a pick up tearing ass off down the road. So, now every time I here the gunfire getting too close to home (I am tired of patching bullet holes), I just start screaming. So far it seems to be working, but I will have to discover a new ploy for next season, as dumb as they are here they just might catch on after 3 consecutive seasons of this.
During a particularly nasty illness I was extremely delusional, I vaguely recall standing in my backyard and shrieking something to the effect of " That’s it keep shooting this direction and I will start shooting back, I am armed and on steroids!!" So, if I had neighbors (which I don’t), not only would I suffer under the label ‘outsider’, I would henceforth be branded "that crazy outsider".
This is quaint country living. I have learned to decipher some of the code language they speak, for instance everyone always told me "Bless your heart", I thought, Oh how nice, silly me. I discovered what it really means, what they are really saying is "F**k You". So, now I say "Bless your heart" to everyone I see.
So, next time you get stuck talking with a Liberal, you can just smile and say "Bless your heart" and laugh all to yourself because you are speaking Deliverease.....
Stay tuned....it only gets better (the stories, not my life here).
The realtor who sold us the bill of goods on this eternal pit of damnation informed us (wrongfully I might add) that the weather here is moderate. Well, after living here for a ‘full range of the seasons’, I can honestly say "Moderate! Compared to what? In the summer it is like the Amazon jungle and in winter I believe it is like the South Pole, without the beauty of snow!!!!"
Don’t forget the humidity, I swear I am growing gills from breathing this water they call air! We have 2 seasons here in the Seventh Circle - unbelievably hot and humid, and incredibly cold and humid. The ground actually ices over, but it won’t snow. One of the dumbest things I have heard since I relocated to this abysmal place was, "it gets too cold to snow", now tell me on what frickin’ planet does that make sense? So, in essence they are telling me this place is colder than the South Pole? It snows there and it gets pretty damn cold! Oh and the ice, I know I mentioned that, which is a particular treat for someone of my inelegance. I have to wear golf shoes just to get the mail so I don’t fall and break a hip!!
AHH! But it does have one very BIG advantage - NO BUGS AND SPIDERS!! I swear they have species of insects here that have yet to be discovered by the entomological community.
The only thing I have to worry about is being attacked by a rabid fox, possum, racoon, or one of the many abandoned dogs that wore out their usefulness when hunting season ended.
Which I did not realize there was an end to hunting season because I hear gunfire here all day and into the night most days. They have real strict gun laws here, you can tell by all the bullet holes in our house and barn. The law states you cannot fire your weapon 50 FEET from a major highway or 100 YARDS from a school and that’s about it folks!
Now I own a gun and I support owning guns, yet I detest hunting. Until moving here I never thought fluorescent orange was my color, now I wear it every time I have to do yard work, or go get the mail (with my golfing spikes).
I have discovered a new way to deter hunting around my property, which they will come right up to your doorstep if you let them, I don’t know what they could possibly be hunting with such large rifles, it’s not like squirrel is ‘big game’ that you need a 30 ought to take them down.
I digress, my genius plan for deterring hunters away from my home - Sometimes they shoot so close the windows rattle and you can hear them talking, so I had this brainstorm one day while I was out gardening, without benefit of Kevlar I might add. They were getting too close for comfort, so after one of the shots I screamed "OH GOD! OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN SHOT!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!! OH GOD! HELP ME!!" Since I was not in plain view they could not see me shouting, next thing you hear is a pick up tearing ass off down the road. So, now every time I here the gunfire getting too close to home (I am tired of patching bullet holes), I just start screaming. So far it seems to be working, but I will have to discover a new ploy for next season, as dumb as they are here they just might catch on after 3 consecutive seasons of this.
During a particularly nasty illness I was extremely delusional, I vaguely recall standing in my backyard and shrieking something to the effect of " That’s it keep shooting this direction and I will start shooting back, I am armed and on steroids!!" So, if I had neighbors (which I don’t), not only would I suffer under the label ‘outsider’, I would henceforth be branded "that crazy outsider".
This is quaint country living. I have learned to decipher some of the code language they speak, for instance everyone always told me "Bless your heart", I thought, Oh how nice, silly me. I discovered what it really means, what they are really saying is "F**k You". So, now I say "Bless your heart" to everyone I see.
So, next time you get stuck talking with a Liberal, you can just smile and say "Bless your heart" and laugh all to yourself because you are speaking Deliverease.....
Stay tuned....it only gets better (the stories, not my life here).
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